DOOMs or Shooting Things So I Can Punch Them

There have been many DOOM games (I pronounce “doom” with all caps in my head). I probably played most, if not all of them. But like the Wolfenstein games, it’s hard to reference them. They all have confusing names. Sometimes it’s numbers, sometimes it’s something after a colon, sometimes there’s no colon. Pick a lane.

Anyway, the best DOOM game I played was one of the modern ones (released in 2016?), where you go back to Mars and punch the spawns of Hell, but only after you shoot them a little bit. You get all these fun attack animations, but they only work after you soften up your foes with some gunfire. It seemed such a waste to me. I would have liked to go through the whole game punching, grappling, neck-twisting, and kicking demons without ever firing a shot. It was a game that was almost great. At least to those of us following the long knuckle-bruising road to Punchalla.

It reminded me of the amazing Metroid games where you explore alien worlds, find power-ups, and shoot aliens. I would love to see a new Metroid game on PC. I almost exclusively play games on PC. I just can’t use a classic console controller. It’s something about my thumbs not being sensitive enough. Maybe I’ve punched too many walls and trees in real life and deadened the nerves too much. I can play with a mouse and keyboard okay, probably because I type a lot as it is.

Recently, I tried playing DOOM ETERNAL, the sequel to the DOOM I mentioned above, where you return to Hell-infested Earth. I played the first DOOM in this most-current series twice all the way through. I can put up with a lot to get to some unarmed combat, even carrying 6 or 7 guns to shoot at bad guys. I mean, I don’t love it, but it gets the job done. Shooting guns in DOOM for me was like stretching before a workout; Nobody really likes to do it, but you know you’ll be better for it. So, I figured I would load up the sequel and shoot some demons to get some punches in.

I didn’t get very far in the sequel. It’s strange to say but it was really the level design. The 2016 DOOM felt like a cohesive world you could explore, even though it was broken into lots of smaller levels. I felt like I was on Mars and that the journey could take me anywhere. It was the next best thing to a fully open-world game. But the levels in DOOM ETERNAL felt like levels in a video game; small little arenas detached from each other in which you fight bad guys for a while, and then some more spawn and you fight those too, and then some more spawn and you fight those. There’re some secrets to find but I felt like I was playing a video game from 1995 with better graphics. Some people will enjoy the retro feels. But I’d rather have undated version of Metroid with punching over an updated version of the original 1990s DOOM.

Maybe DOOM ETERNAL gets better. I lost interest after four or five levels that felt very claustrophobic, even though they had big glorious skyboxes. And I like claustrophobic sequences in games, like crawling through an ancient tunnel to reach some long-buried tomb. But you have to have open parts that put that into perspective. Maybe there are some huge levels later on and maybe there’s more melee fighting to be had. The DOOMguy on the art to DOOM ETERNAL does sport some kind of hellfire sword. But I don’t think I’ll ever see any of that because what I have seen just bored me.

I can only imagine how great an open-world DOOM on Earth could have been. Maybe you could even get a DOOMobile to drive around in. Or, how about a motorcycle powered by a jet engine? A DOOMcycle. It would be big enough so you could just drive over little Imps and not feel it. It could also function as storage for your guns. And you would have to choose which two guns to bring with you as enter some hellish cathedral. That way you would have to rely more on your fists… 

Just imagine riding in the blasted and scorched lands of New Jersey, as your DOOMcycle kicks up a cloud of jet-powered dust behind you. In the distance, you spot a growing spire of twisted metal surrounded by a sickly red glow. It’s one of the Spurs of Hell, a tower of agony grown from the very spine of the titanic Devil that lies below the world. You know that you’ll be ascending that demon-infested edifice soon enough. You zoom in with your DOOMvision and see that there are a lot of flying demons on this particular Spur. Better bring your sniper rifle. And what’s that near the top? A cloud of hell farts that can only be the undigested souls spewed out by one of those armored monstrosities? That means you’ll need the rocket launcher with the armor-piercing rounds. But what to do about all the Imps and other small-fry that are sure to crowd every floor of the Spur on the way up? Thank the Ancient Angelic Smiths (or whatever they’re called in DOOM) for your trusty and modular fist weapons. Now the only question is whether you go with fire punches that pack more “punch” or lighting punches that have a bit more range? Better equip that kick thruster pack too for those jump sequences.

I’m playing this game in my head already and getting all the achievements. It’s not bad. Still rely on my guns, but enough punching and kick jumping to keep me entertained. Three-and-a-half imaginary stars. Though the rating system in my head technically goes to infinity so there’s always room for improvement.

Maybe we need a good nemesis? Another DOOMguy who fights with you but eventually betrays you for unmatched HELL power and becomes HELLguy? And it turns out HELLguy is your long-lost brother! Oh, the emotion! The sheer angsty melodrama as you wrestle with HELLguy over Hell’s Heart. Then you both plunge into that bottomless pit, but your brother has a last-minute change of heart and throws you to safety on some ledge. He then turns to plummet straight into Satan’s face with dual rocket launchers loaded. You’re thrown clear by the resulting climatic explosion, landing conveniently close to your DOOMcycle. You speed away from your brother’s and Satan’s demise. Zoom in on DOOMguy’s DOOMvisor and we can just make out a single tear falling down DOOMguy’s cheek. Zoom in on the tear and within it, a hundred angels begin to play the final coda of the soundtrack. But it’s not harps and flutes. No, these are the angels of all the dead operatic metal and retro-glam rock bands who died when Hell destroyed the Earth. They pick up their Angelic guitars and just shred out the greatest celestial power metal track in the history of rock heaven. The chorus is one word: “DOOM!… DOOM!… DOOM!” Credits roll. Four-and-a-half stars.